| So today was like any other day, had work until 6:30 the bank was really busy today. I feel like shit b/c i had some things i had to do after work so i didnt get home before dark in time to go running down by the river bed. lame. so i made some soup and had an apple for dinner. kept my intake under 800 today. not too bad. i'm still nowhere near where i want to be but im about 20 lbs smaller then i was last year at this time, so i guess any type of progress is progress right? The PCOS has made it so hard to lose weight it frustrates me so much, i have to work about 10 times as hard to get a pound off as i used to. i miss being in my teens bc i could cut weight so fast. now its like fucking pulling teeth. if i knew then what i know now i would have spent every fucking day in a bikini from the age of of 16-20, but that is the fucked up part of this disease you dont see yourself for what you are. I was so small 3 years almost 4 years ago. i would do anything (will do ANYTHING) to get back there. but that means losing about 40 more pounds. i get frustrated so easily now. i get annoyed and irritated with the guys at work who eat 4 arby's sandwiches on their 10 minute break and look like they just stepped off a shoot for mens fitness magazine. i work with all boys. i dont know its just weird that they can eat so much and it doesnt effect them at all. they eat as much in one meal as i do in like 3 days, how is that fair. oh well life isnt fair is it. I look at old pictures and want to cry bc i used to be such a cute, pretty girl when i was thin. now... not so much. i'm ashamed and embarassed for myself. i just wish i could build a time machine and go back to the days when i was thin and keep myself that way not fuck up and go inpatient and gain all the dreaded weight i worked so hard to lose. I miss my body. I don't know what this thing i am in now is, i havent known for about 3 years now. i just want to feel ok again. I want my body back. |
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| Wow. I completely forgot about this until i checked my spam mail the other day and had all these messages from xanga. I read through all my old entries last night and it brought back a lot. Lots of out of control times. Not that things are a ton better now, but i'm functioning in the "real world" with a big kid job, paying bills, etc...its interesting to say the least. i'm also living in california now too which i am loving. hmmm i really dont have anything interesting to write. we have a meeting at 8am tomorrow which sucks so i should be getting to bed. i'll write more when i have something interesting to talk about. |
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| i swear to god i dont think for myself anymore. my mind is controlled by mg.s of medication. i watched a whole thing on sigmund freud last night. ya know that guy thought that cocaine was the cure all depression drug, he sent it to his lover and even got his best friend hooked who ended up dying from the addiction... but hell at least he didnt go depressed... so im going to go pick up some more books and add the the little knowledge they fed us in college level psych and soc. classes on his unconventional means of treatment. i feel weird. i havent done any drug drugs in almost a week now. so i guess this fuzzy state is also my clear-headedness........strange.....i'm making no sense im going to finish my book now. |
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| nothing like walking in on the last guy you seriously dated and one of your "best friends" in bed together. oh but dont worry. "nothing happened" they swear it. |
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| these days ive been sleeping, doing drugs, sleeping, doing drugs so i can sleep. spending days and nights alone. not taking my meds. the end. |
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